PTSD (post tropical stress disorder)

In the Dominican Republic, we measured time by hunger and by the position of the sun. Therefore, it was always time to eat, and it was always either "too hot" or "most likely after 5." The clocks in the room were 30 minutes too fast (as per our careless estimations), and the man who crooned with his acoustic guitar below us would play with equal fortitude at 6 in the morning and 6 in the evening. Time didn't stop, but it was playing hide and seek.

The four of us were half-expecting (half-hoping for) a cliché week filled with fountains (kegs) of wine (Presidente light), boys (the heterosexual kind) emitting arbitrary, indistinct loud noises, and lots of unabated (threatening) sun. All of our dreams came true (and I'm 7 shades too dark for my own caste).

On our first night, we had found a group of equally excited (aesthetically pleasing) spring breakers taking full advantage of the open bar. We decided to engage them in discussion and before we had ordered more banana mama's, there was a charged and aggressive argument about the welfare state and "crackhead Medicaid recipients." We soon decided we were tired from the long plane journey, and retired to our rooms. When we awoke the next day we were completely refreshed, and after blaming away the world's problems on Republican college students, we reneged cliché spring break and decided to simply indulge in the timeless, drunken stupor created in the convergence of blue ocean, burning sand, languid stillness.

And we indulged in unlimited sushi.

As Americans, we felt completely at home. At the VIP pool, which had exclusive shot and cocktail recipes, teasing garden burgers that rendered our appetites insatiable, and beds with canopys randomly planted on white sand, there were two flags proudly waving in the coquettish Dominican zephyrs: the American flag and the Canadian flag. There was no display of national pride, nor was there a thought to include any of the other countries from which visitors hailed (all over western Europe, Australia, and parts of South Asia). While we would have otherwise cared enough to ask why these two countries were arbitrarily given VIP designation (no, really, Canada?), we were in a constant state of soporific overheating and overeating, and cared only to giggle and take a picture or two before falling sleep on a plate of French fries.

In the evenings, after we ravaged the buffet three or four times (we used bread as chasers), we would sit by the poolside bar with all the other youth, though before making new friends (our move to renege cliché spring break soon conceded to curious new shipments of people), we would sit wide-legged, our hands on our stomachs, in our ever so attractive means of digesting our fourth dinners.

We met several groups of people over the next couple of days, and always ended a night of dancing (at the resort's own night club, Vibe), of rum & cokes (we were just trying to encourage the local industries), of excited chatter (about libertarianism or post-graduation) with games of flip cup at Blue Lagoon, which served burgers and fries and pitchers of Presidente (for the sake of the game). Sometimes, people would get a little competitive. Sometimes, there was flip cup drama between the various tables, which had been hauled together as makeshift flip cup fields. And most times, there was just endless, inocuous rounds of the game, bringing together kids from all colleges, all countries, all levels of membership (VIPs and the common Cheap Carribbean folk, alike) in a monolith of unassuming, joyful youth.

We may or may not have stolen a golf cart one night. We were feeling adventurous (though I decided to leave a cart full of fun and straight kids to go "walk off my bread").

The feeling of adventure lasted over the next few days. One day, the four of us headed on a river safari, where we traveled miles through rural villages and savage wildlife, stopping for freshly ground coffee and ripe pineapple, before stopping at the base of the forest. The guides joked about the severity of the excursion, for "only the strongest survive," as we put on our helmets and life vests. And our used, rental white tennis shoes, which we told were water shoes. They made squish sounds as we hiked on to the falls.

For the entire hike I thought I was going to die. Every time we were to climb up against a waterfall, against the hard current, amid rocks and icy water, I thought it was my last climb ever. I would close my eyes, and for half a second my life would pass before me, my mother's face, my jewelry alcove, my favorite burrito place. And then immediately I was kicked in the face by someone doggy paddling in front of me, and strong, sopping wet Dominican men without life vests or a helmet would easily pull me up (I don't know why I ever bothered with bicep curls).

Once we reached the top of the cliff, we would slide or jump down. Again, every time it was my turn to descend, I thought I would be the one exception who hits her head or breaks her elbow. I would close my eyes again, and try to pray to the Gods with whom I share a casual relationship (it would be complicated on Facebook), but as soon as I barely dipped into a meditative state, I was pushed into the water, and had the thrill of my life, all thoughts of my mother, God, and burritos drowned into the water surrounding me.

With scratches and bruises and popped shoulders, we embarked on a new adventure a couple of days after. We awoke at the crack of dawn to go ziplining. We again wore helmets and harnesses and sneakers, and our safety was joked about. Our guide taught us how to break in the zipline, and as I overcompensated (to save my life) I ended up pulling a muscle. We traversed the jungle like apes. As we slid across these hard ropes, we issued shrieks and hollers, falling back into our primal roots, needing nothing but the biting air and the lush green below.

The rest of the time was prolonged R&R, peppered with desperate attempts to stretch our stomachs to full capacity before returning to America, where it was unseemly to eat large plates of coleslaw between meals. We attended the VIP Welcome party (a farewell for us), with unlimited top shelf drinks, unlimited food (somehow this was different from the buffet), unlimited music and dancing. We started dancing with a group of 20 spring breakers from Maryland, but soon decided instead to dance with recently released cougars, who ended up having more fun that we could ever have.

On our last night, we treated ourselves to a fancy dinner at one of the VIP restaurants. The food was incredibly delicious, and uniquely displayed (the caesar salad was a head of lettuce with a 7-inch crouton). This time, the unlimited imbibements truly were wine and not Presidente. For a full two hours, we pretended to be classy and sophisticated. And as soon as we finished dinner, we played a 50-person game of flip cup on the ping pong tables.

The following day, I felt sick. I wasn't sure if my body was finally violently reacting to what I had put it through the past week, or if it had become dependent on explosive, volatile fun and was simply going through withdrawal. Regardless, we found ourselves sprawled lifelessly at the gate, awaiting our plane home. As if our physical pain was not enough, God/Allah/the jungle spirits/the Man on the Moon found it funny to send us off with music--the man who crooned at 5 in the morning was apparently homeward bound as well. For me, exclusively, (once a VIP, always a VIP) he played Eric Clapton and the Beatles. I almost vomited into his guitar case. My stomach had the capacity only to hold rice and beans, not self-proclaimed balding musicians.

Once home, I tried to reconnect myself. I turned on my blackberry, my phone. Each exploded with text messages, emails, Facebook notifications, and then froze and needed to be rebooted. I knew the time for the first time in one week. And I immediately felt late for something.

It's been two weeks since we've returned, and all we've felt is cold, sore (the pulled muscle was no joke), and incredibly rushed. Our bodies have not stopped protesting our vacation endeavors, but have not yet willed to acclimate to a reality of the gym, of commuting, of sobriety.

And we're still not used to limiting our food intake to three meals daily.

(place)

The lawn was yellowing and sharp, and the little girl winced when she sat down. The house was small, but to the girl it seemed like a palace, much larger than the old apartment, which had recently become cramped with the new crib, the new boxes of Similac, and the new person hoarding her mother's attention. All the other houses were built exactly the same, with three front steps and a large square window to the bottom right. The only distinguishing feature was color. The girl's house was yellow; the people across the street had chosen red.

The sky seemed so blue above this house. She lay down in the dry grass, grimacing slightly, and stared at the moving clouds. Everything was slow here. She watched a butterfly float above her small body, and reached out for it before it fluttered away, so she was left with her arm outstretched, grabbing a fistful of air. She glanced back at the house--the storm door was still closed but the front door was open, so she could hear her parents loudly argue about placement of the microwave.

She stood up and wandered down the street to the end of the block, which merged into the mouth of an inky forest. She stood on her toes and peered intently into the recesses of the dark woods, made sure there were no monsters, and then walked in. The branches were wild and resentful, and her arms suffered scratches as she forged through the trail, twigs snapping beneath her feet. After some time, she lost sight of the makeshift dirt trail, and when she looked behind her she could no longer see the sunlight from her street.

ode to fruit? or maybe just confessions of a fruitaholic?

My family loves bananas. I bought about 10 on Saturday night, and we are down to our last one today (it's Monday). I always thought our love for fruit was shared across the country, but recently discovered otherwise. Apparently, it isn't normal to choose a pear before a cookie, to consume a fruit with every meal, to eat clementines when you're bored. The summer after freshman year, I lived off of only bananas. I lived on my own in the city and bananas were cheap and convenient. I ended up eating 3-4 bananas a day. My physical therapist told me that's how I got fat. I would do it all over again if I could. That was one of my favorite summers, after the summer traversing Germany with wine gummies and apple in hand.

Despite all of our shortcomings, all of our differences, I think I finally understand just how my family stays together. Besides all the love, we manage to hold it together because no one else in the world loves fruit just as much as we do. I have to go back to the grocery store today, the second time in 2 days, just to buy some more bananas, blueberries, clementines, apples, pears, and whatever else calls out to me in the aisles. It's not so much a dependence on each other, but rather, a dependence on fruit that no one else can understand save the four souls living at 788.

I hear you are what you eat. I'm therefore either crazy or gay.

Take your pick.

2010: the People's Revolution

Another year has eluded us. 2010 came and went without remorse, without shame, without so much as a warning, as we all stood suspended in a disarray of broken limbs and broken hearts, of endless chills and heat strokes, of disillusionement and disorientation, and yet also in a chaotic frenzy of new lovers and old friends, of beach vacations and Netflix staycations, of life purposes and life goals. I thought 2010 would go on forever, and while I was still struggling to comprehend all the changes it imposed upon me, it suddenly ended. Enter 2011, the year before the famed apocalyptic global collapse.

Every year I think of new resolutions, the majority of which last all of 72 hours. One year, I wanted to be more assertive, while another year I wanted to be more artistic; once I was too busy with college applications to care about aspirational goals, and three years later I was too busy with my senior thesis to care about anything save breakfast and Kenyans. Sometimes I want to lose 5 pounds; other times I want to lose 6. I always resolve to be better, do better, better, better, better. And then January 3rd rolls around and I lose sight of my overarching annual goals and tend to focus only on today, on tomorrow, and on a hazy, confusing concept of "the future," which continues to disrupt my sleep every night.

Part of me doesn't want to think better, better, better, but rather, happier, happier, happier. 2010 was so kind to me I am almost afraid to keep any 2011 resolutions. I don't want to be resolute in anything I can't finish, in anything I don't want to accomplish. The 72-hour resolutions are good for nothing but carrying on weak conversations and inducing regret. I don't want 2011 to be a year of unfinished business, but rather a year of new discoveries and adventures, just like 2010.

So, no resolutions. No shame, no regret, no hesitation. And no resolutions.

My best friend keeps accidentally calling them "revolutions."

Go forth. Revolt. Write a book. Take a pole-dancing class. Go to Law School. Listen to your mind for two seconds, and then succumb to the recesses of your heart. Buy a hat. Eat apricots on Fifth Avenue. Enable a revolution, but forget the fragile resolutions. Revolt, not for the better, but for the happier. Rebel against yourself, and don't be afraid of 2011. It won't bite. It'll just happen.

India Abroad article on Bharat Yatra 2010

http://www.indiaabroad-digital.com/indiaabroad/20101224?pg=34#pg34

(yay)

WWJD?

It's so cold out that it hurts my teeth to drink hot coffee. CNN, the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, and even the arbitrary psuedo-political and barely intellectual blogs, all circle around the same 4 topics: not-so-secret diplomatic secrets; the surrender of politics to the moral obligations of helping 9/11 heroes, freeing closeted soldiers, legalizing those American in all but name; Obamacare's flaws and inadequacies; Sarah Palin's newest blunder, exalted by the Tea Party and Jon Stewart. It tires me. Everything is the same. People don't want to see Obama's brilliance, the NJTransit bus is always late, politics and the economy and all the other fabricated "isms" that have been so loosely thrown about are nothing more than words, words which don't stop frostbite or runny noses or stiffened toes.

In the midst of political and physical frigidity, the last thing I wanted to do was attend a foreign policy forum at the Yale Club. My juvenile conservative fetish has started to corrode, giving way to the forces of common sense and a more durable liberalism. I wanted to attend for a change of pace, but also wanted to not attend for the same reason. I ultimately decided to go, and after roaming around 42-44th streets on Vanderbilt Avenue for 15 minutes (I work right by Grand Central and yet its precise location still eludes me), I saw the Yale Club as refuge.

After handing in my coat, my scarf, my lunch bag, my overnight bag, (and after the man behind the coat check grew a few white hairs), I walked to the fourth floor, past all the libraries and men in sports jackets and women in pearls, to the forum. For some reason, I wasn't registered (even though I did it twice), so got to scribble my name on a blank card. I found a few other familiar faces, and as if I had not spoken in years, I let loose a tirade about PPACA, about flaky pedestrians, about Coach bags and Ugg boots. In between "Obama's saving the U.S.!" and "I'd rather buy 100 burritos than half a Coach bag," we explored the open bar and welcomed with open arms the waitresses providing endless mini bruschettas and knishes and pineapple.

And then someone clutched my arm. "Is that Jerry Springer?" I looked to my right and saw an older man talking to a group of eager young faces, but could hardly believe it to be Mr. Springer in the flesh. I almost yelled, "Jerry! Jerry!" but decided instead to silently stand next to him till I could confirm it to be true.

Most other groups in the room formed around a topic of interest--North Korea, socialism, the free flowing white wine. As I edged closer to Mr. Springer (not yet on a first name basis), I caught snippets of the conversation. "So, do contestants on your show really have those issues or is it scripted?"

It really was him. I introduced myself, he introduced himself, and then we briefly discussed my boss and her policies before a blonde JP Morgan banker inserted herself into the conversation and stole Jerry from me forever. As she maintained a fixated gaze, I fumbled around for my camera. I didn't have the passion she had, and I just wanted my taste of fame before I headed home.

He said he would be in a picture only if he could get a copy.
The rest of the forum went well. Most of the economists on the panel were conservative, small government folk, the types of people both Jerry and I resented. I stopped caring what they had to say, what Chris Matthews and Brian Lehrer had to say, what my office had to say, what my parents had to say.

I just want to know what Jerry would do.

Catharsis

It was one of those days when the wind whips your face so hard it looks like you're wearing a cheap brand of blush, when it rains so hard that the windows groan, and when the only relief you have from large muddy puddles of water are smaller puddles to the left. People were poking each other with umbrellas, hurriedly brushing past the AM New York newspaper guy in order to get to the nearest awning, running from one to the next. Despite best efforts, everyone was drenched, cold, frenetic. In an epic battle against the ennui of our fabrications and constructions, of midtown east and overpriced delis, of business casual and leather shoes, of 9-5 and 9-infinity, of Republican filibusters and self-indulgent nuclear warfare, Mother Nature rose from within herself to shatter the very artifice in which we have captivated ourselves. It rained and rained as if the Earth were crying, as if purging its elation, fury, passion, sensuality in one desperate attempt at reinstilling chaos.