five hours till the eleventh hour

The world is ending quite soon.

Today, in between eating more falafel than a human should eat and blasting Bonobo as I speak to constituents, I've reflected on my 24 years on Earth.

If I had another 24 years of existing, I would probably wear jean shorts in the winter. I would drink wine every day, and go swimming. I would definitely stop being lazy about shaving my legs, and I would sit on a park bench without my cell phone. I would probably skip work to do something outrageous for a day, like eating hydrogenated peanut butter with Oreos or surfing in Long Beach with brand new board shorts. I would hang out with Manu more, make sure she doesn't become neurotic like her older sister. I would not quit the flute. I would move to Mumbai for one year and try to dance, before maiming the rest of my limbs. I'd go to Morocco. I would not grow white hair and I would continue eating pasta with ketchup. I would cry for the children who have died, for the children who have starved, for the children who have only seen pain, and I would stop crying for myself. I would make my bed. I would make my mother and father's bed. I would wear a hat every single day. I would do crunches. I would write a book, I would perpetuate my propaganda against cauliflower, and I would never paint my fingernails. I would be a better kid. I would buy a slip 'n' slide. I would kiss everyone. I would dance in the rain.

Unfortunately, we have less than five hours. Tonight is my last chance to eat pasta with ketchup while I wear jean shorts (and get pneumonia). No more thoughts of carpe diem, no more Dr. Phil, no more corny Hallmark cards about la vie. We're done.

Go forth and buy Oreos, while supplies last.

first world problems

Yesterday, I overheard the following conversation:

"Hey, was your Instagram working yesterday?"

 "No, yours wasn't either? I thought I was alone."

"No, dude, like, no one's Instagram was working. Instagram was, like, bugging out yesterday."

Life is hard.

the Higgs boson: Man is Matter, and now we know why

On July 4, 2012, while my friends and I joined the rest of the country in toasting to America, to summer, to veggie chips, physicists across the ocean at CERN uncovered the final clue that could potentially solve the mystery of the universe. The Higgs boson, a fundamental particle whose existence was posited by Peter Higgs and his team to explain the diversity of existence, was (most likely) discovered by two teams of persistent physicists this past Wednesday. The New York Times' piece on the breakthrough provides more detail.


The powerful implications of the (almost) confirmed existence of the Higgs boson are a bit difficult to understand without a keen understanding of physics, of outer space, and of the Higgs' position in both fields (or without a very gifted and patient college science professor, as I was fortunate to have).


Essentially, this specific particle explains the fundamental question of why the universe is as it is, not solely how or what. Third grade science has taught us that we are surrounded by, and are part of, "matter," which is simply, "things." But we were never taught why these "things" came into being. Why is that that an atom can be of various weights, that oxygen is in vapor form, that humans have opposable thumbs? The immediate responses to those questions are much like responses our parents would provide to us as children, when we asked the fundamental questions of our childhood.

Daddy, why is my hair brown?

Because your mother and I have brown hair.

But why do I have to have the same hair color as you and Mommy?

 Just because.

In the same way, atoms of different isotopes can be different weights because they are composed of different numbers of neutrons, oxygen is in vapor form because at standard pressure its molecules bind as a gas, and humans have opposable thumbs because we evolved from primates. And why does all of that happen? Just because (well, and some more profound scientific rational, but for the sake of example, work with me).


However, there is an underlying structure, a gorgeous rhythm that pervades the seeming arbitrary nature of the universe.


It's cooler than Jesus.


In 1964, Peter Higgs theorized a mechanism (later dubbed the Higgs Mechanism) by which particles, everything in the universe is given mass. Essentially, there is an invisible force, a field that permeates the universe. It is the "quantum excitation," or breaks in the symmetry of this field that give rise to the seeming arbitrary distribution of mass in matter all around us, within us. It's a flaw. It's a screw up. The entire universe is a series of flaws, snowballing screw ups, exponentially expanding, creating, evolving. 


The Higgs boson explains why there was even a Big Bang in the first place. There was no man on the moon beating pots and pans, no looming head in the sky grinding his teeth. It was an arbitrary excitation of a point in this field that propelled into creation our unique universe. Though random, arbitrary, it was a flaw fundamental to the existence of the universe.


I'm not conventionally religious. I can't sit cross legged because of my bad knee and houses of worship make me queasy. However, the grand implications of this flaw are awe-inspiring. This singular "error," the quantum break in an otherwise beautiful symmetry, could have easily occurred on another point in the field, could have easily created a completely different universe, or potentially no universe, an existence of which we would not be a part. The specific excitation in the particular point on the field put in motion the creation of the universe as we know it, the creation of Earth, the creation of humanity.


I'm not sure what is God, and I don't think I'll ever be sure what people mean when they refer to God. The only certitude is that humanity, life, the entire universe is bound by a single, fundamental flaw, an essential asymmetry that shapes, creates, and renders mass to "things" and meaning to life.


I guess this just means we're all just a bunch of screw ups, but we're in it together, and for the long haul. Amen.

the higgs particle & other beginnings

Today, we are reborn.

And by "we," I mean me, you, Man, Matter. It's the Higgs Boson collision of Man is Matter, an explosion that will propel into creation a new vision of the world.

The curious, blurred vision of a little girl with three gray hairs and two left feet, and a strong affinity for spinach and thunderstorms.

Man is Matter originally formed to chronicle my adventures in London in the summer of 2009. I made observations about high tea and about British accents and about yellow tomatoes in Borough Market. I desperately recorded every moment, even the most mundane, hoping to hold on to every bit of London summer that the U.S. Border Patrol allowed.

When I returned to America, I found that my discoveries did not cease with the close of my summer travels, but that I continued to unearth treasures in the gullies of oblivion: the sterile, fluorescent aisles of Duane Reade, the rocky seats in front of the homemade ice cream parlor in Ridgewood, the open urinals in highways of Rajasthan.

When I could not leave my seat, I explored time, taste, touch and sometimes stuck out my tongue to check if it were raining. And when I had the opportunity to explore outside my own senses, I discovered mischief in the Dominican Republic and complex familial interactions in India. There were Mayan massages in Mexico and gray suits in Washington, DC. There was the man who sold $.75 coffee in the cart by my office, and the smiling blonde who sold $2.00 coffee at Oren's down the street.

Every day there was someone, there was something, of note.
And as with all things beautiful, I soon lost touch with the meaning of it all, with the meaning of discovery, forgot how rare it was to laugh on Tuesdays, to touch someone on a Wednesday afternoon, to figure out how you like your burgers cooked. The need to observe the world was reduced to an ephemeral phenomenon, something I did in my spare time, after I finished everything I was obliged to finish. I soon found myself searching for something I was missing, but searching in the wrong places, making futile attempts to move mountains, when all I needed to do was skip a rock into the river.



And, as the geographer told the Little Prince, I soon stopped recording life, because it became ephemeral, subsumed by the falsity of obligations and futures and responsibilities.

But it's precisely this quality, this "danger of a speedy disappearance," that prompts the Little Prince, and that has reminded me, to fall in love all over again.

I tasted the summer rain yesterday. My legs had goosebumps and my Calvin Klein flats landed in puddles and my hair formed its own sort of Indie-fro, but the rain tasted sweet, almost like warm milk and almonds and dates and peaches.

2009, when I tried desperately to claim all of London for my own, to grasp through slippery fingers a city that would forever evade me, is not unlike any other time, not unlike every other day.

So, once again, I shall desperately grab and clutch and scratch and fight, fight for a stillness and pause that will forever evade us.

I reclaim Man is Matter.

We're kickin it old school.

The Other Side of the Pillow

On the first business day of every month, I walk over to the Godiva store on Lexington Avenue and stare at the truffles behind the glass counter for about four minutes. I’m a rewards member, and so I’m entitled to a free truffle every month. The endless possibility of confectionery delight is simply daunting. I’ll stand with my right hip skewed, stretching my bottom lip with my thumb and index finger. I swish saliva through my teeth, in efforts to gain a profound understanding of exactly what I am craving. Sometimes, it’s the starfish with the raspberry filling, sometimes it’s the crème brulée dessert truffle, and sometimes it’s the caramel pecan praline, which is about the size of my face. I’ll pick out my one truffle, and the person behind the counter puts it in the token golden Godiva bag. If the chocolate is particularly arousing, I’ll nibble on it on the walk back to the office. The rare times I can resist a preemptive bite, I’ll head over to Oren’s, my favorite coffee spot, for another vanilla vice to accompany my monthly pleasure.

I’ll head back to the office, switch my Office Communicator status to “in a meeting,” and savor a few moments of blissful silence.

And then the phones start ringing, the bottom of my foot starts itching, and air conditioner starts blasting frigid wintery air into my graying head. (I’m officially at George Clooney status with my salt & pepper mane. No, really.) I lick off remnants of melted chocolate on my lips (and usually some on my elbow), and throw myself back into the game.

If I were to list the top ten most memorable moments of my entire life (quarter life crisis, bear with me), I’d probably forget to include the day I graduated from college (because I’m trying to block out the memory of smelling like a greasy pub on the day my “real life commenced”), or the day I learned to ride my bike (I might have crashed into an oak tree), or the day I got my license (I failed my driving test the first time). I might consider including the day I started threading my eyebrows, but the pain of that day might be better forgotten. And I'd probably prefer to leave out the day I realized the Freshman Fifteen really does exist. No, world, it's not a mythical monster under your bed.

I might list the night my sister and I watched Fast Five in theaters; it was the first of many later viewings of this movie, and inspired our South American travel plans (and pending nuptials with Paul Walker). I might also think about the time my mom and I got coffee at the Ridgewood Coffee Co., where we drank from real mugs and ate some sort of unremarkable pastry that tasted extraordinary because we shared it. There was also the time before my Sweet Sixteen when my father and I would practice our father-daughter dance in the kitchen; he would usually trip on my feet, and I would usually giggle uncontrollably, and I’m not sure if we ever improved. There was the time in college when my best friend followed me to the library in his socks, just so he could chat and say, “hi.” There was the time another one of my best friends and I sat in Central Park for hours on end, making observations about people and ourselves and the world, and trying out new ways of sitting, like “frog sit.” The moment my sister got into college was probably one of the happiest of my life; I could actually taste adrenaline in my mouth. The year before, I realized my (potentially far reaching) dreams of being a dancer were rendered obsolete by my arbitrary knee condition. It was my growing up (old lady) moment. There was the moment in India when my fellow Yatris and I thought we were going to be run over by a herd of stampeding bull. I had my moment of clarity last month, as well as my moment of confusion last year when Ricky Martin came out (I thought we all knew he was gay?)

Recently, I found out that a pillow which perpetually emits the sensation of “the other side of the pillow” was invented.

Feeling the calming coolness of the other side of the pillow immediately after it’s flipped in the middle of the night, is an ephemeral, and forever desired, pleasure. It’s that sensation of peace that touches your skin, allays the fears creasing your temples, and softens the blow of nightmarish realities pervading your senses. And with this invention, it would last forever.

I think I just found moment 11.

burn your fancy candles, eat pizza in your prom dress, and tell her, "I love you."

330-something days till the world implodes.

(No, it may not necessarily end, but the very fact that large waves of people still bow to the likes of defeated Michele Bachmann as she leads the nation's moral recovery [post-Obamacare, no doubt], speaks to the steep decline in our global welfare. The Economist now talks about an imminent "sub-Saharan Spring," China and India are up in hydropolitical arms, and it barely flurried once this entire winter. Human development has progressed to its peak; the social institutions of marriage, government, education, and medicine have ceded to carnal desire [#willworkforfood]. Science, cultivated over centuries of meticulous research and analysis, has ceded to the whims of the one social construction that has sadly maintained: religion.)

In fact, let's just say the world will explode. Seriously, the Mayans were on top of their shit.


At the risk of sounding like a poor cocktail of Oprah, Simple Abundance, and the usual trite New Year's carpe diem sentiments, I must say that this is the year to claim. It's the year when you travel to Zimbabwe just because it was the only Z-country you could think of when you played Scattegories; it's the year when you wear fuscia pants to work, even if it's a Wednesday; it's the year when you burn your fancy candles, the ones saved up for a special occasion.


It's the year when you rid yourself of fluff--of the shapeless pink dress in your wardrobe, that will only increase in its aesthetic horror, of the friend whose lies you continue to forgive, of the piles of miscellaneous papers gathering dust under your bed.


This isn't like any other new year, when you resolve to lose weight, work harder, and "be better." The time for nebulous goals has passed. In fact, the time for all goals has passed. Wistfulness ends. Fantasies end. Delusions of friendship, of happiness, of success end.

The time has now come to just do.

This is the last chance we have to turn our dreams into reality. All wishes must be fulfilled. All fantasies must be carried out. And the delusions upon which we have built our lives must crumble in the face of our own awakening.


On December 21st, if we're all still here, then we'd have spent an entire year living life, not just surviving. And if we're not, then we'd have spent our last year without secrets, without regret, without the uncomfortable uncertainty that the girl you've fallen for is yours for the taking.


Ten bucks says, she is.

And the clock's ticking. 

fingernails grow back.

My best friend's dog bit me about four months ago. My finger was in pain and quite mangled, but after a heavy dose of antibiotics and compulsive slathering of topical ointments, the bites soon faded, my skin grew back, and my finger looked almost human.

(Almost.)

While there were no traces of trauma on my finger (insert plug for Neosporin), my finger nail was cracked in the middle. After three months, the crack only worsened, and what was initially a slight discomfort grew into a routine nuisance that prevented me from running my fingers through my hair, typing without a Band Aid, or eating spicy food with my hands. After I returned from India, I discovered the snag had become a hole in the middle of my nail. 

I was permanently damaged. I was 23, had three white hairs and a dosa belly. I had a flesh wound without even having joined the CIA (yet).

And so while I sat in a corner and wailed about the end of  my life, my mother stroked my hair and told me what she tells me whenever I have been hurt, wounded, punctured: "Let it air. It will soon grow out, beta, and you won't remember it ever pained so much."

So I aired it (much to the dismay of work colleagues and unsuspecting subway car passengers who were forced to be in proximity to the flesh). I threw caution (and all my Band Aids) to the wind, and as I consumed myself with life, I did not realize my nail bed was slowly and steadily restoring itself. I promised myself that I would get a manicure (I actually hate seeing paint on my nails) once it was healed. The hole had moved up several millimeters. Diaphanous fibers had begun to germinate.

I was cured. 

At least, I was en route.

Vestiges of the wound now remain only in the crooked tip of my nail, and in a subtle dent right in the middle that I can only feel with the pad of my other index finger. It was an ephemeral pain (unlike my three white hairs, which have refused to budge), and it's been rendered obsolete with the new year.

I am getting a manicure on January 16th.

And all I did was air it out.